Catharsis

At first it was the pain.
Like the hounds of hell
Ripping at my flesh
Tearing my entrails out
Dining on my soul.

And then It changed.
Numbness set in
And I felt nothing
Except for the desire
For you to suffer as I had.

It morphed again.
A hundred feverish nights
Spent in meaningless
Writhing, sweating, moaning
Yet loveless sex with nameless faces.

I didn't want them.
Not as they wanted me.
I could not spend the entire night
Could not bear waking alongside
One I had no desire to know.

The shame came
When I understood
That I would entice them to love me
And then leave them,
Escaping like a thief.

I did to them
What had been done to me.
I disappeared as quickly as
As a breath escaped their lips.
Leaving them as alone as I.

I was making them pay
The price you set as the standard.
I had become what I hated
And the shame overwhelmed me.

No heart, no soul, no life.

But that was yesterday.