Olde Memories

Up, up, up. Higher and Higher. Lies stacked upon lies...all the way up to the heavens...strangely though...your motives are those, that should send you to the depths of hell. We should only be so lucky. Its funny how I never recognized your lies. Its also funny that I never saw your motives. You've broken me down so many times before...I've grown used to it.

And I'm tired of playing the fool. Your little pawn in this game.

I find it scary how comforting your abuse was...I was blind to it...and used to the effects of your manipulations. It's scary how the abuse brought me peace. Its amazing the tolerance that we build up to protect ourselves from the truth.

Seeking comfort in the old familiar sensations of tears and the stings of crushed realities, I wander. There is something about knowledge of knowing you've been there before. Every unpleasantness, no matter how horrible...strangely, it feels like home.

Scars fade in time...emotional scars are forever.

I had been living a dream. One of bliss and no regrets, but strangely I completely lost back then, despite my happiness. Each emotional stab and scratch brought me back down, shaking me of my dreams, making me vulnerable once more, but I knew I could always escape back to them, they were my dreams. I could resume my facade
at any time. And yes, that was my home.

You've caste me out of that home, and stolen all my dreams only to claim them as your own. My ideas, my dreams, my thoughts and ambitions...all stolen by your greed. No matter...I do not need your sanctuary.

I am far from that home now, basking in this feeling of something missing. I know I am stronger with out it...I am must better off without the continual torture. Yet every time I speak with him, I scratch at and allow reopening of the half-healed wounds...and the tears and the blood flow once more. I cannot smile. I cannot dream.

I'm lost. I'm looking for a home for my heart. Perhaps considering locking it away in a tall tower would be the best, behind stone walls, guarded by a dragon...far away from everything, everyone, and more importantly, You.

No. I am too much of a free spirit...gypsies know no walls. But I am breathing. Just barely. I don't need you anymore. I don't need your lies, and I don't need your false comfort.

One breath after another. That's all I have left to hold onto.

Written: April 2002
Comments: This is another one of those poems that never were...it never was supposed to be a poem...and more importantly it was never supposed to go public...but here it is. This was just some random writing directed indirectly at my ex the day after he left me for another woman.