~One Breath...~

Its funny how I never saw your motives.
Its funny how I never recognized your lies.
You've broken me down so many times before.

And I'm tired of playing the fool.

Scary how the (mental) abuse used to bring me peace...

For some reason it always brought back the old familiar sensations of stinging tears
and crushed realities. I realize I had been living a dream for so long, in retrospect
it was more of a nightmare. A nightmare of bliss and no regrets, and I felt completely
lost when I finally woke up...

Despite all my happiness...truly, I was miserable.

Its scary each mental scratch brought me back down, shook me free of my wishes and
my dreams. And yes, that truly felt like home. Somewhere in the land of tears I
dwelt day to day imagining what I thought life offered me.

I awoke...suddenly...

I am back home, far from the land of tears, yet still basking in this feeling. Bleeding
from these open wounds. Wounds that would heal if only I would let them. If only
I could let them. Wounds that would heal if I could just forget about you and walk
away...but for some reason you refuse to forget me...try as you might you continue
to avoid severing all the ties. You keep me around by ignoring me.

Because of this I cannot smile.
I cannot dream.
I can not live.
I can not grow.
But I am breathing...barely.

One breath after another.

That's all I have left to hold onto...
Its a pity I can barely even do that on my own.

Written: October 2002
Comments: This is the poem that never was...it never was supposed to be a poem...and more importantly it was never supposed to go public...but here it is. It originated as a letter to my muse...(its scary how such a bad situation can inspire so many emotions). Kind of a frustrated affirmation to "Olde Memories" and the then current situation of attempting to "Remain Friends".